We all know that every journey begins with that all important first step but how do we choose a path when faced with the complicated road map of life?
So I am currently sitting in El Dorado Airport waiting for a connecting flight to Ecuador. I will then have a couple of days solo in Quito before meeting up with a group of people. Together we will begin a two month tour across much of South America and after this, I intend to move onto Central America. I am expecting this to take the next four months or so (I have no return flight booked yet!) and there are no plans after this; for someone who loves to plan, this feels very alien to me…
I have never ventured to these parts of the world before so I am particularly excited about this upcoming adventure. I have no idea what to expect but that is the beauty of it! The cities, countries, cultures and climates will all be completely new to me, along with the group of people that I am about to meet. I have never travelled for this length of time before and I have a feeling that this will be a real learning opportunity. I intend to embrace all of the experiences: both positive and negative!
Although this is a dream come true for me, it has taken a long time to get to this particular point in my life: where this type of travelling was possible. I have worked hard (both personally and professionally) and even now that this dream is about to come true, there are still moments where I question whether or not I am doing the ‘right’ thing. Sometimes self-doubt creeps in and I question whether this is a ‘sensible’ decision: should I be taking steps towards creating a stable career and future for myself instead of gallivanting across the globe to have experiences? Should I be working harder in life? Have I achieved enough at ‘my age’?
When I was in my early twenties, I had a clear idea of where I thought I would be in life by now but time goes quickly and before you know it, you’re here and it’s a very different picture to that one you painted at twenty-one. So for a woman now in her mid-thirties, sometimes it can feel as though I am being ‘left behind’ with life’s perceived ‘checkpoints’ and ‘completions’. If life was a painting by numbers, I've not even collected my paints yet!
So does this mean that I am running out of time to still paint my vision?
I doubt that I am alone in these worries as, although this pressure can be self-imposed, we are also continually bombarded by the external pressures of society: whether that be social media, our immediate influences from work and those around us, or even just the pre-existing structures and ‘norms’ that are so deeply embedded within our world. This consumption, whether we are conscious of it or not, can become ingrained in our psyche: making it difficult to detach from systems that can feel somewhat stifling. As a result, our beliefs can become limited and the ability to listen to our true callings can be temporarily restricted.
For a long time, I often made decisions based on what I felt I ought to do, rather than what felt in alignment with me and who I am as a person. This mismanagement of my life led to, what can only be described as, feeling frozen: unable to confidently make decisions for myself. I was always too scared about making the wrong choice, stepping out of my comfort zone and things ‘not working out’. Consequently, I thought it would be easier to just grit my teeth and ‘get through it’: blindly believing that I was in the safety of convention. I read somewhere that, ultimately, the decisions we make (even if they seem huge at the time) don’t always bear as much significance as we think, as there are always positives and negatives to every potential option. I find this notion somewhat comforting, as it arguably diminishes the power that we attach to them along with the power they seemingly possess over us.
Over the past couple of years, I have been trying to practise the following:
make decisions based on intuition and heart instead of what looks or sounds ‘better on paper’;
‘unlearn’ unhelpful ways of thinking that do not serve me in a positive way;
and finally, continually question the systems within society. Consequently abandoning all notions of 'time frames' and their limitations.
Instead, I am now working towards cultivating an appreciation of the process and trusting the journey that I am on. Although this is not always easy and, as mentioned earlier in this post, the nagging doubts still occasionally surface... However, with time, silencing my inner critic is gradually becoming a habit so that my mind can enjoy a little more quiet time.
From speaking to many others, it seems that these thoughts and concerns are common. There is a natural tendency to be ‘hard on ourselves’ and we can forget to congratulate ourselves (regularly!) on where we are in life and how far we've come. Our valuable mistakes, the difficult decisions, those obstacles that once seemed insurmountable, have all served to fit into the bigger 'picture' of life. My painting by numbers may be a 'work in progress' but if I do it my way and in my own time, at least I know it's a step in the right direction...
Thank you for reading my blog!
xxx
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